August 11th 2005

August 11, 2005 - Thursday

Theres a Spider in my Room......And i cant sleep because of it...
Current mood: depressed

I cant. Its 4:30 am. I was just going to bed when this big spider crawled across my cealing. I dont kill spiders, i just let them be, but the little fucker had to jump down on my poster above my head, then he had to fall behind my bed. NOW THAT I KNOW he's around my bed, I CANT SLEEP! I have fucked up dreams as it is, and i havent had a good night sleep for a couple of months now, so a Spider crawling around my bed in the middle of the night dose not help.



So..Im up, on MYSPACE, looking on as i waste my life ever so...



I had a converastion with my Grandfather today...It delt with the fact that my mother dosnt have a grip when it comes to SMART financial endveors..... Like paying bills.



I've gone over this before...My mom bitches at me about the bills that we have no money to pay...That every time i buy a dvd for my self, that im wasting my money that should be going to other things (mostly she wants to make sure that I have money so she could borrow from me when she dosnt have enought to cover the bills.) Yet, I give her $100 dollars out of every check i get, ITS SUPPOSE to go to car insurance, but Im only suppose to pay that every 2 months (its 200 every 2 months) Yet, Im Forking over a quarter of my check every pay day. Im only making between $350 - $425 per check. After gas and other bills, that really dosnt leave me with a lot to go on for the next 2 weeks. But my younger brother, who also drives, but hasnt paid for car insurance in almost a year and a half now, has a job that pays him about $650 take home! thats every 2 weeks also... But she dosent collect from him, and the 1 time she did, HE BITCHED for a fucking Week about it, and BORROWED money from ME!! (which i never got back, and if I ever need to borrow money, its only about 5 bucks, THATS IT!) And he can go out and BUY a NEW Fucking guitar, but i buy one dvd and my ass is in a ringer.



Anyway, My grandfather was getting on me getting a new job, which segwayed in to DOING something with my life. Get a carrer or something...



Now my whole family knows what i want to do... Its make movies for a living... ITs all i really fucking know! That and usuless pop culture shit.



And when i reinerate this fact, he kinda yells at me! Why? Because i've been out of school for 3 years now, i've been doing the same thing since i got out, which is Work at the theater and hang out either at my friends house or sleep.

I can see where he's coming from... I've been talking about making movies since i was in 7th grade.... Its all i really want to do! But the fucking problem is i have no $$$ and no FUCKING ACTORS!!! which is another problem. Hell, untill the end of 10th grade, i had planned on going to film school, but then i found out how UNGODLY expensive it is and that by reading the works of ROBERT RODRIGUZ, I should just go make my own fucking movie outside of the studio system. And thats been my plan ever since.... But Im going to be 22 soon, i'll be working the same JOB for almost 6 years now, and my grandfather said it perfectly, "IF i dont watch myself, i'll wake up one day and i'll realize im 43 and have really done nothing with my life!" And he's right...In fact thats one of my Greatest fears... Just fucking wasting away my life! I've seen it happen to people, and its a fucking path i DO not want to go down.



But i've looked at what i've done over the last 3 years since HS, and all ive done is gotten FATTER and Lazier and havent done JACK SHIT!



Fuck, I've lowered my self to a point i had hoped i wouldnt of gone to when i was in HS. When i was 16, i figured i'd have shit figured out a little better by the time i got to be 22. I'd have started a movie already, I'd be on my own, i'd have a better social life, FUCK i'd thought i'd would of gotten LAID by now... But I'm basicly still the same annoying FUCK that i was in HIGH SCHOOL, except im not in HS anymore and i really dont have that many excused for being this way.

My financial situation is ass right now, and COULD be fixed. Not nessisarly by getting a better paying job, mostly because all of the better paying jobs require me to work A HELL OF A LOT MORE HOURS than i really can afford to, but that my car sucks and i dont have the $$$ to fix it because its all going to gas and my MOM!! If i had my car in MY NAME, i'd have my insurance straightend out, and i'd have a little more money every month! My mom NEEDS to change our Cell phone plan, as we're getting charged UP THE ASS for dumb reasons that could easly be taken care of... And i could cut back on the spending a little ( i eat out WAY to fucking much.. Thats what is killing my account, FAST FOOD...Not DVD's, NOT COMICS, FAST FUCKING FOOD)



As for my film carrer. I have all of the techniqle shit in place.. .I have a High Powerd Camera, a computer for editing, its just getting actors for my projects and some extra fuding is what's preventing me... If i can get this Documentery off of the ground, it'll be the first step in the right direction.



Cause i DO NOT want to end up 43, living at home... STILL havent gotten laid... Because if i end up like that... I might as well just puf a fucking BULLET to my FUCKING loser head.

I think too much at night