January 24th 2005

January 24, 2005 - Monday

A weird sense of reality.
Current mood: numb
its about 5 am. I worked 10 hours stratit yesterday at my job on little more than 3 hours sleep. I came home and craped out for about an hour or two. Now, i cant really fall back to sleep Im tired, but not tired. And since i've gone this long with out any real sleep, I feel like Im watching myself type this right now from a distance. My head is light, but Im still conciseness of what Im doing. Its odd. I guess this is what its kinda like to be high. But at the same time, Im starting to see things. Flashes of light out of the corner of my eye when Im concentrating on something else. I'm starting to wander off a little, and for some reason, stupid thoughts seem more applicable right now. Theres a bunch of things on my mind i would like to ask or say to certin people, and part of me really wants to, but the last little bit of awarness is telling me: BAD IDEA. Which is probably for the best. But, then again, what would it hurt. If i fuck up, i could just blame it on my lack of sleep and exsaustion due to work. Which, btw, i have to be up for in like 6 hours. But the damnest thing is though, and this happens all the time i get like this ( i have no real sense of time anymore, just fall asleep when i feel like it) But when i dozed off hours earlier, I had very vivid dreams that i remember clearly. They were nice dreams in my own personal sense, and felt very, very real too, untill i snaped myself awake. Then i had to tell my brain that it wasnt real. Its odd.... it really is. But yet, still i go. And what have i done in these early hours. I've downloaded music and videos and sat infront of my comp waiting for MYSPACE to come back up because i had nothing better to do. But i had many things to do though.... Like finish my script, write the new script for my TV show, which i have to film tomarrow night before i return to the cable station. But, i sat around, looked at my half finished screenplay, did nothing to it, and looked over some porn and started working on a new CD to listen to. What a waste of fucking time. Yet, i realize that this is all i've been doing for the last month or so, and i've never reallly realized it untill now. I come home, sit on the net for hours, crap out, get up and start the same shit over again. This has also brought to my attention that since i've been doing this, i've kinda let myself go even more, and that i really need to start focusing on the more important shit in my life than dicking around on the net, looking for something thats not there. But, I keep going though. Like im on AUTO PILOT or something. Nothing in my life changes, just a diffrent day, same shit. Fuck, i tried to put on a wrestling belt, that only a year earlier fit perfectly, now wont even wrap halfway around my waist. The gorgeing needs to stop, yet i have no reason too cause my outlook on a love life is slim to nill, yet thats what i really want right now. Hell, just sex would tied me over, maybe snap me out of my trance. But no, that is not reality. Reality is this which i sit at whie i type this for the 10 or so people who'll actually read this. Me, infont of a computer, room clutterd, and nothing forward looking but another crappy day. What a crazy fucked up world im making for myself....

This was while I was still working at the theater, with no real set schedule. I would stay up till 5 or 6 in the morning before getting a few hours of sleep. My dicking around, though, hasn't changed much, and 4 years later, I'm still working on those scripts.