August 26th, 2008

Subject : What a diffrence a year makes...
Posted Date: : Aug 26, 2008 7:33 AM


What I like about blogging is that, like the mighty journal, you can go back and take a look back at your self at a point in time. Sure photos show what you looked like a year or years ago, but ones writing of ones thoughts shows a hell of a lot more.

Case in point..

Blog from over a year ago

So much anger.

And Over what? Where my life is going, what my grandparents are thinking of me, that I dont have a girlfriend.

My word, what a diffrence a year makes.

I dont know what I've done, but looking back at this, I'm even a bit ashamed of my self. Sure I still bitch and moan, but its mostly over movies and stuff that dosnt really matter.

What a jerk off I was (and possibly still am) but I do know this. My way of thinking has changed.

Maybe its the fact that over the last few months I've had the hash thoughts that one day, this is all going to end. Well, as of right now, there is no real way of physical immortality. Spiritally, thats a diffrent subject for a diffrent day.

I had a series of panic attacks months ago, right after I started working again. Just something crawled up my back and remined me that one day I'm going to be dead. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomarrow, but one day. And while its morbid, its something we all have to deal with at one time or another, and maybe its just a sign tyring to get me to look at things a little more clearly.

the beautiful thing about my job is that it affords me a lot of thinking time. I drive in a pick up truck all day, away from everyone else at work for hours at a time. Just me and my radio and the thoughts in my head. You start looking around, at the sky, people, places, things. And when you realize that its going to be gone one day, you really start to appreciate it a little more.

Theres a scene in SAW 2, when Donnie Wahlberg's charecter and Jigsaw are having a disscusion over Jigsaw's killings. Jigsaw explains to Donnie's cop charecter that he himself dose not kill anyone, but simply gives people the choice of to live or to die. He continues this explination that people today dont really live until they're dying. When you eat, you dont take time to taste the food. When you drink you dont really taste the water, nor really breath in the air. Its all just reflexes to continue on your day of doing nothing. Only when you start dying to you really take time to taste that food or water, to really stop and smell the roses for a better term. Jigsaw learned this when he found out he had cancer and tried to kill himself only to live.

This scene, a scene in a low budge gore porn film, really stuck with me when I watched it. I've kinda used it as my creedo in life. Dont worry about the other shit in the world, enjoy the day to day.

I've learned to stop worrying over money. I'm in credit card debt right now, and my family hounds me over it. I've learned that its just money. And I've stopped caring so much over it as other people do. If I have some, then I have some, if not, no biggie. I make enough to live off of and thats fine and dandy. I've seen people worry sick over cash, and I've seen it ruin lives. But all cash is is paper printed by the goverment that they give some sort of invisible value to. You never know whats going to happen from day to day. One day you could be rich, with billions of dollars, and all it would take is one big natural disaster to render that money completely usless.

We as a society have built up power as having lots of cash and lots of stuff to a point were we kill each other over it. Very little do we ever really look up and realize that we're flying though space on a giant rock in a vast darkness around a giant nucular explosion. And that sort of thing dosnt blow peoples minds any more. Its because we've created our own personal hell on earth that we live in a status quo from country to country in one giant pissing contest.

In the end, Politics, cash, stuff, its all pointless. Yeah, its nice to have, and I'm not denying that, as I have lots of stuff, and having lots of cash makes things easier less stressful. But maybe if one takes a step back, and realize that all of these Job's that we've created for our selves just do nothing but take up the time between the point you're born and the point you die, and keep you from really exploring the world out there.

And for some, its at a point were that isnt an option, many people I know now have kids and are doing their jobs raising them. Hopfully well too.

but now I'm tired and have gotten way off course with the point I was trying to make. I'll probably come back to it later, but right now, I'm going to pass out for work tomarrow.