August 27th, 2007

Subject : The Princess and Zelda need a good kick in the cunt!
Posted Date: : Aug 27, 2007 9:26 PM

The last couple of nights I've been on an Old School SNES bing with Mario Allstars and Super Mario World.

Lets forget the fact that Lost Levels is made by satan himself and programmed by hitler as he raped a puppy, but the I started looking at the basic premise of all these games.

Sans Super Mario Bros 2 (which was.."ALL A DREAM" because, as I said, lost levels, programmed by hitler) was completely diffrent game that Nintendo dumped the original charecters and inserted the Mario Charecters in, Mario is always sticking his Italian neck out to save the fucking princess!

Now lets go over this. Mario is a plumber from Brooklyn who fell down a magical pipe and into the Mushroom kingdom like Alice in Wonderland on some sort of diffrent drug. (Im thinking the secreations of blowfish?) There he meets up with a hot young blond thing (who looks way to fucking young for Mario, who looks like he's in his mid 40's to start with) They hook up (but never marry) and hang out with a bunch of fucking Mushroom people. Ok, Ill buy that.

Then this giant dino dragon man comes along and steals the princess, Why? World Conquest? Rape? or is he just a dick? We dont know. Mario, out of the goodness out his hart, travels through 8 diifrent worlds of shit that would make the pope question the exsistance of god. 8 Worlds were the laws of gravity and Physics as we know it clearly dont apply. Block flote in mid air, Pipes hang in the middle of the sky, and for some reason, you can only go right (some say its Gods will) ((ok, you can only go right in the first game, they added the sense of realism with being able to go back the way you came from 2 onward)

While doing this, you're fighting Koopa's fucking army that consist of some sort of Mushroom mutants, Giant turtles, some with wings! Venus Fly traps on steriods, and all the while, the plant life can make you grow into a giant, or change the chemical struture of your cloths and give you the ability to throw fire like many pegan gods of Old.

And as long as you dont touch any of these baddies in the wrong way, you maintain your godlike power! or you shrink back to your midget self.

Now. After going through 8 levels and thinking you've killed Koopa 7 diffrent times by dumping his ass in a lava pit, you save the bitch! She thanks you and in a story book ending, Mario would get some that night.

He should, he risked possibly 7 or 8 lives trying to rescue her, he should get some tail.


And after all of this, you'd think the princess would learn to watch what neighborhood she gose through alone? Or at least have a couple of body guards that arent 3 foot tall mutant mushrooms. She's fucking royalty for christsakes!

No, this happens, like 10 more times! And for some fucking reason, the Mushroom kingdom sits on a fault line and Volcanic ground because it just keeps getting bigger and fucking bigger, meaning that Mario has to run even further to save the bitch! (lets not start on why a fucking leaf turns him in to a raccon hybrid that can fly!)

If I were Mario, I would told the bitch, DONT FUCKING LEAVE THE CASTLE IF YOUR JUST GOING TO GET KIDNAPPED.

What the fuck man? Dose the Mushroom kingdom border Mexico? Because like that country, kiddnapping is rampid!

Same goes for Zelda!

Link is a nice guy with a fairy and a sword that shoots energy when his heart gadge is full (dont even know how that starts)

Zelda, is also a princess, and the keeper of the triforce, the magic non gay triangle that gives power to HYRULE. Gannondorf, an evil pig man magician thing, has a more distinct reason for kiddnapping and tomfooliery.

So Link spends the next 184 hours working his way back and forth through fucking Hyrule (because they cant have everything close by for convince sake! NO you have to walk 400 miles to get a fucking pair of scuba fins just so you can walk back 400 miles to cross 10 feet of fucking water!) to save the princess, and get the triforce back!

And, unless its a giant fucking metor falling, this seems to happen alot. Gannondorf kiddnaps Zelda, Link sticks his ass out to save her and become hero of Hyrule, but you know what! Zelda is the kinda bitch that dosnt put out! She's a cock tease and I wouldnt put it past Link to one day tell her to fuck off and unless she makes with the head, he aint savin her ass!

The princess and Zelda are probably the kinda of women that talk to each other about making their boyfriend's fucking lives misrible! Theyre probably attention whores that must have the focus on them constantly, hence they let them selves get kiddnapped all the fucking time.

I see Mario and :Link as those two guys in the mall who wait outside with their girlfriends shit as they're in side trying on more shit that that they dont need! You can see that Link and Mario have had the life sucked out of them and all they want to do is go home and watch TV.

Mario and Link.. The Al Bundy and Griff of the video game world!