May 19th, 2008

Subject : The last 36 hours.. a vicious tale of Diarriah and Male Nudity!
Posted Date: : May 19, 2008 10:05 PM


I type this from my desk, which is currently stacked to the fullest extent with half of my DVD collection.

The topic of this tale is what I've been doing for the last day and a half.. which right now is mostly a blur.

It began around 4 pm. I had been sitting in my room, enjoying central air and catching up on old episodes of BLEACH and DEATH NOTE that clog my DVR like fat in arteries of 47 year old Cubs fan. I had called my father and questioned him on if he would like to gander IRON MAN, as I had promised to take him last week, but alas, things fell through. Getting the A OK from dad, I get a call from my Grandmother to come and join her, my Grandfather and Aunt and Uncle at the local Tex-Mex restaurant that we frequent.

I joined them late, for I had to shower, as a day and a half of not leaving my apartment had taken its toll on my hygiene. I sat down, mid serving of the entree's, and placed my order for a Carne Asada quesadilla. Mid way through my aunt and uncles harrowing tale of visiting Disneyland for the first time in over 20 years, I soon regretted my dinner choice. It wasn't bad, but I'm on a diet to win a bet with a co worker. The pot is worth $400.. And greasy Mexican food would not help my cause.

But I had not the time to worry, for it neared 5 pm, and I had to pick my father up at his place in Whitter, a spry 10 mile drive up the 605 freeway, by 530 pm, or we would have to see a latter showing...

Hauling as much ass as my choked up car would allow, I made it to my fathers by 545. If we were to make the 635 pm showing, hustling would not be a word to describe how fast me had to go.

I managed to get my car cursing at a comfortable 70 mph, making excellent time. Until fate decided to drop a cluster of a turd on us. As we neared the 91 interchange, a mere 4 miles from our destination, the red break lights in front of us lit up like a Christmas tree. I could see a head of us that there was some sort of horrible accident... It had to be, other wise, why the fuck were we stopped?

Not letting fate get the best of us, I made for the nearest exit before I could get caught in the choke hold of the freeway. I skited side streets and made my way to the entrance to the free way a few miles a head of us, with traffic coming through like crap out of a constipated ass. I made way to our proper exit, CARSON, and parked in the gauntlet that is the parking lot of the LONG BEACH TOWN CENTER.

My brother decided to meet us there with his friend. Good I though, for he would save us a place in line!

And that he did.

Forking over $22 for two tickets, we made our way inside, only to fork over another $11 for two large sodas. Again, I wasn't thinking of my diet. For its not often that I go to the movies with my dad, so FUCK IT, I thought, I"ll make up the time later at the gym.

IRON MAN started, and all was good until the Hispanic couple with their 3 kids behind us decided to add Spanish commentary for the first half hour. Not only that, but they choose to sit in the handicap seats at the base, thus giving them a 6 foot gap between their seats, and their kids seats.


After some complaints, the noise settled for the last half of the film. Thankfully I had seen it already, but goddamn it, that kind of shit irritates me like a pimple on my ass!

The movie finished, and my father and I parted ways with my brother, and decided to saunter over to WALMART to pick up some FIX A FLAT for my car tire.

Walking through WALMART, I leaned over to my father and told him that "If you were Anti Abortion, allow me to lead you through Walmart any day of the week for a half hour. You'll be championing for the suction hose after wards"

Walmart, while nice on price, terrible on clients.

After making our way back to my car, my father proceeded to use the fix a flat on my tire. A quick stop by my house for some movies, I drove him back home to Whitter. I dropped him off around 10 pm and took the LONG way home.

Halfway to home, I forgot that I needed to work out. Submitting to do the proper thing I made my way to the gym for an hour and a half work out.

Unfortunately, what I was not away of at the time, I would be paying for driving home with the windows down.

After 10 laps in the pool and 15 in the steam room, went to the locker room to change. As I packed my work out gear, an episode of OPRAH was on.

Normally, I wouldn't give two shakes of a shit for OPRAH, as she is SATANS left hand, but something caught my attention. Her guest was a doctor who specialized in PAST LIFE regression. A form of HYPNO therapy that, if you suffer from them, pulls out from your sub conscious, former past life's you might have lived.

I slowly started walking out, but the damn TV had my attention, and that grabbed the attention of an overly muscular man in his late 50s who decided to give me the tale of his run in's with Hypnosis.

He started to tell me about how he was a terrible typeset, and showed my his thumb that looked like Willies thumb (caused by playing SPACE INVADERS IN THE 70;s) and told me how hypnosis helped him, but that the past life stuff was non sense. Now this would of been fine and dandy, but the man decided that he felt the need to completely undress while telling me this. I know that its a locker room, and some guys are far more comfortable with themselves than other guys are, but this man, he seemed almost subconsciously getting dressed. Like Doc Ock's many arms, his body moved as if independent from his mind.

Now picture this. An old, buff, nude man sitting on a bench telling me about how past life is BS. Now, to get an idea of what I was doing, imaging that scene in Wayne World 2, when Wayne and Garth are applying for permits to run their concert, and the clerk removes this glasses to reveal eyes with two different pigments. Wayne and Garth were trying to look away with out drawing away from the conversation. I was doing the same. And that caught up with me for a sec, and I started to chuckle, but held it in as the moment was far to surreal.

I ended the conversation as quickly as I could, escaping from the clutches of a wrinkled ball sack. I made my way back home around 12 am and caught up with the SIMPSONS and AMERICAN DAD.

While I was watching, I decided to take this Herbal tea that my coworker gave me to help cut weight. It flushes you system out real nice, and gets rid of the fatty build up in your colon. I had taken 2 cups the day prior with no incident, and got the expected results in about 3 hours. Thinking that I would use the old Indian trick of waking up early, only this time with a bowel movement, I drank 2 cups of it in one sitting. I figure that come 5 am I would be up and about. I would hit the gym, come home, shower and head off to work like a good sheep.

At least that's what I thought I would be doing..

instead, an hour and a half later, I awake to the sound of NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATH. My allergies had sneaked up on me during my slumber and had me in a death grip. From time to time I'll get hit real bad, and when they happen at night, I cant sleep because no matter how many times I'll blow my nose, it feels like theres a dam up in there, holding in massive amounts of snot, and it only has a tiny pin hole that's slowly leaking.

I get up and decided after 10 minutes of blowing that a few Claeritian would do the job, and pop'd 4 of them at once. Unfortunately, the bastards take forever to go into affect. I lounge for about 2 hours, unable to breath, and with only KNOCKED UP to watch on HBO. It neared 4 am and I needed sleep like a junkie needs a fix.

I rummage through my fridge, and find a bottle of SPICY MUSTARD.

I start squirting dollops of it in to my mouth, like a dog licking from a water bowl, but it only provides MINOR relief. Not wanting to go down, I come across a better alternative, A TUBE OF WASABI!

Now this tube was brand new, and I had forgotten I even had it. I pop it open and find that the green mashed up root is dispensed like TOOTH PASTE. With nothing in the house to spread it on, I open wide, and spread a nice line across my lounge. I start working around, and by god, it worked! Not only did it clear my nasal passage, but it caused my eyes to water up like an emotional woman watching a chick flick. Unfortunately, the wasabi also killed my taste buds for about an hour too. Not wanting to relive that glorious moment, I find a bottle of VICKS VAPOR rub. I open it and inhale like I'm snorting coke. I then smear the goo over my nose and lay down for some needed zzz.

I didn't get that though.

530 am rolled around and I was still up. Worse yet, my tea hadn't kicked in yet.

So around 6, I got all my work preparation out of the way and sat down in front of my computer till around 7 am. I left the house, now only running on an hour and a half sleep. Worse yet, I was finally starting to feel the effects of the tea come on.

With the horror of falling asleep at the wheel at work, I stop at AM PM and buy 3 of the 16 ounce AMPS. I chug one in the car on the way to work and save the others for later.

I show up for work, nose stuffed, eyes swollen, and in a weird state of awareness and dozy.

Only 20 minutes into the work day, make my way to the toilet, something I hate doing at work.

I bit pride and pinched my shame and made use of the facilities. The effects of the tea were quite strong, but nothing too bad. At first.

It turns out that was only stop one of FIVE for the morning. After a close call on the road on the way back from Breakfast pick up, I felt much better, and Lighter.

So, in a haze, I make my way through work, downing the other two amps and going off of a chicken sandwich for breakfast. I take a few minutes of eye rest on my break, but no real sleep.

Around 4 pm, I decide that I need to work out today and plan on taking a good 3 hour work out to help cut weight before weigh in on wends day. I had eaten a bag of funions that a co worker gave me in the car, and kicking myself again for eating like crap. So I make another batch of the tea and pound it around 430 pm.

By 530, running on an hour and a half of sleep and 3 Amps, I work out. And how I work out! I met my goal of running at least 3 miles and hitting the stair master for 25 minutes! I then hit the sauna before I hit the pool when I feel, unsettled. I decided to head home and finish my swimming later on in the night.

I never left my apartment after arriving. For the tea was on steroids, and wiped away any trace that I had eaten at all during the day. It did this over the last 4 hours. I felt like I ate 24 meximelts from TACO BELL by the time I finished.

Now, lighter, and with hallucinations coming on from the lack of sleep. My day ends. Ive been up for 23 hours if you start from the hour and a half sleep, but almost 48 hours if you don't.

Now I retire to bed, and work and pay tomorrow. And a screening of DEATH NOTE tomorrow.

now, sleep, sweet sweet sleep.